Have you ever find hard to explain some feelings? Why?
In my case plenty times I have. Why? Well to start most people will play the my horse is bigger than yours and will just turn it all about them. Others will simply be cold and try to make you feel bad for feeling that way, and then theres that group the ones that you love but that wont understand NEVER!!!!
I been strugling for months whith deep feelings of lost in my heart, yet I cant explain it to many. Only two persons know and I even try to mention it a lot about it to them. I just need to let it out, scream, cry, shout, just like a two yr old. But to who? It cant be anybody that cares for me because then the advice will be bias. It cant be a therapist because I cant afford it. I pray oh yes I pray and most times Im ok until… Is there I cant hide it comes back to haunt me.
Im scared. Lately I been way to angry, way to aggressive, way to unhappy. I know is all this feelings I keep to my self to avoid judgments, pitty or even offend people. But how to fix this? I make clear who I am , my likes and dislikes, yet people keep making fun of me for my believes, or worst they think im dumb or too weak. Is sad that I cant shared my feelings because I will be in more pain if I do so. I wish one day somebody just listen and instead of using that against me this person will just comprehend.
Im about to explode. I wonder how bad that will be. When I cant hold this anymore. How much more I will loose or not loose. Will they realize how much they hurt me? Maybe not. Pretty sure they will say omg your so dramatic.
My savior. God has my hand and he held me each time I am about to fall in the deep hole ofdepression. I have to be thankful to him because he never ever leave me. Without him I be lost but with him I know im not alone and my battle will end soon.
Final thought : THANK YOU JESUS!!
Growing up I hated those words ” when you work you can buy it your self” or “lets see when can I have extra and we buy it”. I think i was not alone in this hateful feeling, in fact most children hate those words. So I grow up with the mentality that I will never hear those words again. I had to be a stay home mom when I had the twins because paying for day care was actually more than what i was going to make. So before I continue with my rant if you are a staying at home mom I am not taking credit from you. I decided this summer to be off so I can be with the kids while school start back again ( I’m a prek teacher) yet I found my self in conflict. I want some stuff and I have ask yet bills comes first duh!!!, so I have to wait. My birthday is in 12 days and I can’t get me not even a coke from me to me this is a biggie for me. so here is what i have think lately WHY WOMEN DECIDED TO STAY HOME WITHOUT ANY APPARENT REASON?
I admired and give props to those who sacrificed their independency to stay home with their children when they are little. this is a wonderful stage and no mom should miss it. Yet once the Kids are in school why not find a job? don’t you hate to ask for money? don’t you want to walk beside does shoes, that shirt, or those pair of jeans you like and just grab them and pay for them? is it me? am I wrong? every day I see more and more woman complaining their husband don’t pay for their stuff yet they don’t work. Some don’t even have kids yet and don’t even go to college. I might be selfish but why depending in another person. Dont you want to be a grown adult? pay your own stuff or buy what ever it is you want without begging or waiting?
don’t get me wrong I am not a woman of getting nails, hair, and make up I rather spent my money in clothes, shoes, camera equipment and vacations. what leads me to a whole new issue I heard women constantly complaining about not traveling, yet they go every two weeks faithfully to get manicures or pedicures ummm makes the counts and you will see with all that money you could easily buy an airplane ticket, but again thats each individuals priority. so back to main issue WHY WILL YOU WAIT???? go and became auto sufficient and spoiled your self anytime you want, and the best part is nobody can tell you anything because you work that money therefore you spend it in what ever it is you want. maybe I’m a little bit selfish or maybe I enjoy way to much the satisfaction of doing as i want when i want without ever having to wait unless I decided too.
this past few days have been eye opening !!!!!
I guess that people might not like me since Im different. since the moment I was born but God has talk to me I need to stop being scare of being me ! For years I have hide lots of me bc people tend to judge or just ignore me ,basically used me when they need me and I had become way to pleasant pretending in many areas to be who im not just to fit in well. I decided no more God make me the way I am and by pretending to be another me I’m just saying what he created is not perfect And that is not ok. I will embrace my self the real me wether people like me or reject me after all Im a daughter of God and he loves me and he wants me to love me. so Yes im complicated is part of who I am but hey if there is something God has teach me in the last few months is that he created me perfectly imperfect and I need to love it and embrace it. I am shy yet im not , I adore to sing even when people ears disagree lol, dance is one thing I passion yet I stop doing it 10 yrs ago bc huns dont dance bummer!!!!, i love taking pics and being model for other even when i know im not barbie or Jlo, I hate guns and I think they are the devils creation yet I respect who likes them, I dont know grammar Spanish or English Is just one thing I cant memorized, I’m a clean freak and I dont hide it, I like books that can make me dream, yet i hate to read hahaha , I LOVE SHOES IS AN ADDICTION, I like tattoos but decided for God i wont do anymore and believe me is a struggle bc I really one more yet is the one thing I knew it be hard to do and God will see my commitment to him, I am a adrenaline seeker, rollercoasters, sling shot, zipline, and stuff like that are my idea of fun, I love hikes but im horrified of anything not human so if ever go with me ha prepared for laugh bc i will scream and laugh at my self constantly, im clumsy ohhhhh i am, i am what people call blonde thinking lol sorry Is true, love to laugh , hate lies , and if you promise something please follow true or else ur done and i will not talk to you anymore ;), im never late in fact i like to be in places 15 mins before the time , and waiting for people KILL ME!!! Love company hate being alone, im a feminist by heart and really dislike women who belive they cant live without a men helloooo you push 9 lbs babies out your more that strong. I dont like make up unless is for a special occasion, I am not a stay at home material but i repect who choose too unless they do their huns wrong, i dont agree with easy careers always go to school is hard but is the only way to succeed, i like old school discipline, I have twins and absolutely dislike my hair and doing my daughters hair lol hair is not one of my talents hahahaha , i want to have my own prek to kinder private academy and i have the idea of writing a book yet I hate to write lol, absolutely love food but hate to cook 😉 ohhh i have the anger of three mans and more but i have contained it and who knows me long can witness that, i was hurt by my first love and got that pure love feeling stole away from me, i have trust issues, I do not forgive cheating and think women who do dont value them selves yet have plenty of friends that have done it and I will never judged their forgiveness, oh I hate TV and electronics yet i need to watch my 4 hrs weekly of favorite TV shows, i cry easy, im sick and tired of people seeing me as weak, one day I will show you all im not weak, i say I didn’t want more kids yet after my etopic pregnancy I think I was wrong but is to late now and like that theres many many more add ons to me but the most imp thing I have the heart of a child I can fight with you and even hate you today yet tomorrow u call and need me and guess what im there for you like if nothing one thing most consider my biggest defect yet i consider the best quality I have and from now on no more pretending is me Kenia take it or leave it and please care for my sweet childish heart since he does have feelings 🙂
If there is anything this mom can do for ever is to sat and watch the waves come and go. Dancing with the wind in an aternal ballroom where worries are not allowed. See my twiners rigth there follow the waves and laughing, so innocent and spontaneous. LIFE IS SHORT and Im planning to enjoy as best as I can. Ups and downs this is my imperfect perfect world ..