Focus on your goals

I start in 2007 this Journey and it has been hard and it has been one of many tears when I tell people its possible is because I KNOW!!! I was 228 lbs in the pictures to the left and now who knows since i have learn not to see the scale but to see the changes in my body. I dont think I have it all together and I will never feel better than anybody because I know how it feels to want something but not being able to even dream about reaching that goal. I love all my friends but please listen ITS POSSIBLE!!!! You just have to love your self enough to be willing to change your living style is not about beauty is about health and that great feeling of saying I did it!! So please dont ever feel threaten by my success if anything feel inspired I was alone depress with a set of twins and hubs deploy and guess what I decided I wanted to love my self and I start working towards my goal I have had ups and downs and like I say tears had been cried but I have never quit WHY? Because when I quit Im only disappointing my self. I am real proof that you can do everything you really want and more THE SKY IS THE LIMIT!! I challenge you to start loving your self and finally take the step to the start of a new and better you 🙂   

I am the worst friend ever …

Im a horrible friend …

This morning i was mad with a friend.how is she texting everybody but me to let them know she had her baby?? Why if i introduce her to our friend she is closer with her than with me? And then the news of her in critical condition in the hospital hit my Facebook wall 😦 I feel like I dont deserved to have her as a friend. I was very but very childish and life is showing me that I was the bad one because of ridiculoud Jelousy and my selfish prideness. All I want is a second chance to be the friend I know I can be. And now im reflecting in one major thing I need to work on my pride and stubbornness. 

They are in fourth grade 😁

Today I plan on drop the twiners and drive away free to cry. Yes I still cry on each first day of school. Yet my son asked if I could walk them “mom can you help me I dont think I can”  and I had to put my big girl panties on and walked them to their class. To the parents that see me I could pass like a mom that just droo her kid at kindergarten. My tears Could easily fool anyone. 😂 why I dont know but is like each yr the babies are closer to leave me and I have my doubts about how well I will handle that. And then… Is the frustrating battle with my son. Having an ASD child is not easy when it cames to homework ohhh the joys. But most imp. Is his emational collapse when something or somebody is not quite like he wants too. Here we gooo another year. Lets pray and hope God will take control and this will be the best yr so far 🙂 

 

Between me & my self

Have you ever find hard to explain some feelings? Why? 

In my case plenty times I have. Why? Well to start most people will play the my horse is bigger than yours and will just turn it all about them. Others will simply be cold and try to make you feel bad for feeling that way, and then theres that group the ones that you love but that wont understand NEVER!!!!

I been strugling for months whith deep feelings of lost in my heart, yet I cant explain it to many. Only two persons know and I even try to mention it a lot about it to them. I just need to let it out, scream, cry, shout, just like a two yr old. But to who? It cant be anybody that cares for me because then the advice will be bias. It cant be a therapist because I cant afford it. I pray oh yes I pray and most times Im ok until… Is there I cant hide it comes back to haunt me. 

Im scared. Lately I been way to angry, way to aggressive, way to unhappy. I know is all this feelings I keep to my self to avoid judgments, pitty or even offend people. But how to fix this? I make clear who I am , my likes and dislikes, yet people keep making fun of me for my believes, or worst they think im dumb or too weak. Is sad that I cant shared my feelings because I will be in more pain if I do so. I wish one day somebody just listen and instead of using that against me this person will just comprehend. 

Im about to explode. I wonder how bad that will be. When I cant hold this anymore. How much more I will loose or not loose. Will they realize how much they hurt me? Maybe not. Pretty sure they will say omg your so dramatic.

My savior. God has my hand and he held me each time I am about to fall in the deep hole ofdepression. I have to be thankful to him because he never ever leave me. Without him I be lost but with him I know im not alone and my battle will end soon. 

Final thought :  THANK YOU JESUS!!  

   

Stay @ home mom VS staying @ home just cause (Rant moment of the day)

Growing up I hated those words ” when you work you can buy it your self” or “lets see when can I have extra and we buy it”.     I think i was not alone in this hateful feeling, in fact most children hate those words. So I grow up with the mentality that I will never hear those words again.  I had to be a stay home mom when I had the twins because paying for day care was actually more than what i was going to make. So before I continue with my rant if you are a staying at home mom I am not taking credit from you.  I decided this summer to be off so I can be with the kids while school start back again ( I’m a prek teacher) yet I found my self in conflict.  I want some stuff and I have ask yet bills comes first duh!!!, so I have to wait. My birthday is in 12 days and I can’t get me not even a coke from me to me this is a biggie for me. so here is what i have think lately WHY WOMEN DECIDED TO STAY HOME WITHOUT ANY APPARENT REASON?

I admired and give props to those who sacrificed their independency to stay home with their children when they are little. this is a wonderful stage and no mom should miss it.  Yet once the Kids are in school why not find a job? don’t you hate to ask for money? don’t you want to walk beside does shoes, that shirt, or those pair of jeans you like and just grab them and pay for them? is it me? am I wrong? every day I see more and more woman complaining their husband don’t pay for their stuff yet they don’t work. Some don’t even have kids yet and don’t even go to college. I might be selfish but why depending in another person. Dont you want to be a grown adult? pay your own stuff or buy what ever it is you want without begging or waiting?

don’t get me wrong I am not a woman of getting nails, hair, and make up I rather spent my money in clothes, shoes, camera equipment and vacations. what leads me to a whole new issue I heard women constantly complaining about not traveling, yet they go every two weeks faithfully to get manicures or pedicures ummm makes the counts and you will see with all that money you could easily buy an airplane ticket, but again thats each individuals priority.  so back to main issue WHY WILL YOU WAIT???? go and became auto sufficient and spoiled your self anytime you want, and the best part is nobody can tell you anything because you work that money therefore you spend it in what ever it is you want. maybe I’m a little bit selfish or maybe I enjoy way to much the satisfaction of doing as i want when i want without ever having to wait unless I decided too.