It was picture day

So today it was picture day and the twins where as usual super different when it came to points of view baby girls was exited yet baby boy says he was ugly and hedidn’t  care. Ohhh im not ready for all this they are only 9 how can they know about that already and why is him the insecure one shouldnt that be like a girl thing oh oh i got a thougth one to teach !! 😱😱😱 

 

Your perfect imperfect world…

My son you are perfect for me. I know mom gets frustrated and at times ask more than you think you can do, yet YOU GOT THIS!!! and I have teach you that theres nothing imposible for you. I wish i could be part of that awesome mind of yours why? Ohh lets start by recognizing the huge intelligence you have, and then your heart lets not forget that amazing skill of making diagnoses look wrong 😉 SEE YOU GOT THIS!!!  In fact i think I should be like you because I get upset and stay upset about weeks yet you can have a huge meltdown but once is done is that done like nothing happen. I love you my son and I know im far from perfect but im trying I am all I ask is for you to be patient with mom she is figuring out  day by day your PERFECT IMPERFECT WORLD 

The worst mom award for me….

Having kids with special needs can be overwhelming and more. I have been feeling horrible lately. Dealing with my internal self accepting that I will never be an honor roll mom or I will never see my children get selected for amazing awards at school. I was always 4.0 gpa at school and not being able to see this in any of my kids is hard. As a teacher is very but very hurtful seeing how brigth and great my 4 yr class is and that my my own children at the age of 9 are not even close to that. I dont know why i feel this way maybe i need more counseling that them. Every time i talk to a friend the first thing they say is some sort of techniques  or advise to handle my ASD son and my I don’t understand anything daughter (yes bc she has no diagnosed yet but don’t understand anything including normal daily routines like going potty) I always listen and try but now I am at the point where I want to scream to everybody DONT YOU THINK I HAVE TRY THAT ALREADY???  I have done all the doctors , the teachers, the psychology has tell me to do even the people I randomly talk too advices I have try. But nothing work NOTHING and I am no longer efficient as a mom I fail and the sad thing is the twins are a reflection of my failure. How can I teach and work with all my students and get the best out of all them yet my own kids I cant. 

Support? Ha thats a joke all I get is judgement from everywhere. Their dad is blah not support at all if it was for him I be in the looney house. That men wont listen to anything and his words are always “THE DOCTORS ARE INVENTING A NAME OR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING NOWDAYS” basically implying their not specialneeds their   just brats. I feel like im done I pray every night and every night I cry. I need a turn in this whole situation I cant honestly say I am not happy. I look at them everyday and I want to be that mom yet im so fed up and frustrated maybe more like overwhelmed and stress out. Is a feeling of drowning in a deep hole where everyone pass by and see me there and push me more and more to the deep end. I hope my children dont see that and they know I love them because I do with all my heart and I wish i could make their life easier but I can’t unfortunately my genes apparently are defective and well they are paying the price. Is hard to feel this way is hard not to feel like I fail all i can see is that the worst mom award goes to me ….IMG_7217