Im a horrible friend …
This morning i was mad with a friend.how is she texting everybody but me to let them know she had her baby?? Why if i introduce her to our friend she is closer with her than with me? And then the news of her in critical condition in the hospital hit my Facebook wall 😦 I feel like I dont deserved to have her as a friend. I was very but very childish and life is showing me that I was the bad one because of ridiculoud Jelousy and my selfish prideness. All I want is a second chance to be the friend I know I can be. And now im reflecting in one major thing I need to work on my pride and stubbornness.
Today I plan on drop the twiners and drive away free to cry. Yes I still cry on each first day of school. Yet my son asked if I could walk them “mom can you help me I dont think I can” and I had to put my big girl panties on and walked them to their class. To the parents that see me I could pass like a mom that just droo her kid at kindergarten. My tears Could easily fool anyone. 😂 why I dont know but is like each yr the babies are closer to leave me and I have my doubts about how well I will handle that. And then… Is the frustrating battle with my son. Having an ASD child is not easy when it cames to homework ohhh the joys. But most imp. Is his emational collapse when something or somebody is not quite like he wants too. Here we gooo another year. Lets pray and hope God will take control and this will be the best yr so far 🙂
Have you ever find hard to explain some feelings? Why?
In my case plenty times I have. Why? Well to start most people will play the my horse is bigger than yours and will just turn it all about them. Others will simply be cold and try to make you feel bad for feeling that way, and then theres that group the ones that you love but that wont understand NEVER!!!!
I been strugling for months whith deep feelings of lost in my heart, yet I cant explain it to many. Only two persons know and I even try to mention it a lot about it to them. I just need to let it out, scream, cry, shout, just like a two yr old. But to who? It cant be anybody that cares for me because then the advice will be bias. It cant be a therapist because I cant afford it. I pray oh yes I pray and most times Im ok until… Is there I cant hide it comes back to haunt me.
Im scared. Lately I been way to angry, way to aggressive, way to unhappy. I know is all this feelings I keep to my self to avoid judgments, pitty or even offend people. But how to fix this? I make clear who I am , my likes and dislikes, yet people keep making fun of me for my believes, or worst they think im dumb or too weak. Is sad that I cant shared my feelings because I will be in more pain if I do so. I wish one day somebody just listen and instead of using that against me this person will just comprehend.
Im about to explode. I wonder how bad that will be. When I cant hold this anymore. How much more I will loose or not loose. Will they realize how much they hurt me? Maybe not. Pretty sure they will say omg your so dramatic.
My savior. God has my hand and he held me each time I am about to fall in the deep hole ofdepression. I have to be thankful to him because he never ever leave me. Without him I be lost but with him I know im not alone and my battle will end soon.
Final thought : THANK YOU JESUS!!
this past few days have been eye opening !!!!!
I guess that people might not like me since Im different. since the moment I was born but God has talk to me I need to stop being scare of being me ! For years I have hide lots of me bc people tend to judge or just ignore me ,basically used me when they need me and I had become way to pleasant pretending in many areas to be who im not just to fit in well. I decided no more God make me the way I am and by pretending to be another me I’m just saying what he created is not perfect And that is not ok. I will embrace my self the real me wether people like me or reject me after all Im a daughter of God and he loves me and he wants me to love me. so Yes im complicated is part of who I am but hey if there is something God has teach me in the last few months is that he created me perfectly imperfect and I need to love it and embrace it. I am shy yet im not , I adore to sing even when people ears disagree lol, dance is one thing I passion yet I stop doing it 10 yrs ago bc huns dont dance bummer!!!!, i love taking pics and being model for other even when i know im not barbie or Jlo, I hate guns and I think they are the devils creation yet I respect who likes them, I dont know grammar Spanish or English Is just one thing I cant memorized, I’m a clean freak and I dont hide it, I like books that can make me dream, yet i hate to read hahaha , I LOVE SHOES IS AN ADDICTION, I like tattoos but decided for God i wont do anymore and believe me is a struggle bc I really one more yet is the one thing I knew it be hard to do and God will see my commitment to him, I am a adrenaline seeker, rollercoasters, sling shot, zipline, and stuff like that are my idea of fun, I love hikes but im horrified of anything not human so if ever go with me ha prepared for laugh bc i will scream and laugh at my self constantly, im clumsy ohhhhh i am, i am what people call blonde thinking lol sorry Is true, love to laugh , hate lies , and if you promise something please follow true or else ur done and i will not talk to you anymore ;), im never late in fact i like to be in places 15 mins before the time , and waiting for people KILL ME!!! Love company hate being alone, im a feminist by heart and really dislike women who belive they cant live without a men helloooo you push 9 lbs babies out your more that strong. I dont like make up unless is for a special occasion, I am not a stay at home material but i repect who choose too unless they do their huns wrong, i dont agree with easy careers always go to school is hard but is the only way to succeed, i like old school discipline, I have twins and absolutely dislike my hair and doing my daughters hair lol hair is not one of my talents hahahaha , i want to have my own prek to kinder private academy and i have the idea of writing a book yet I hate to write lol, absolutely love food but hate to cook 😉 ohhh i have the anger of three mans and more but i have contained it and who knows me long can witness that, i was hurt by my first love and got that pure love feeling stole away from me, i have trust issues, I do not forgive cheating and think women who do dont value them selves yet have plenty of friends that have done it and I will never judged their forgiveness, oh I hate TV and electronics yet i need to watch my 4 hrs weekly of favorite TV shows, i cry easy, im sick and tired of people seeing me as weak, one day I will show you all im not weak, i say I didn’t want more kids yet after my etopic pregnancy I think I was wrong but is to late now and like that theres many many more add ons to me but the most imp thing I have the heart of a child I can fight with you and even hate you today yet tomorrow u call and need me and guess what im there for you like if nothing one thing most consider my biggest defect yet i consider the best quality I have and from now on no more pretending is me Kenia take it or leave it and please care for my sweet childish heart since he does have feelings 🙂
this song is the one song I love the most lately from church. I have it on my head 24/7
NO LONGER SLAVES
Written by Brian Johnson, Jonathan David Helser, Joel Case
©2014 Bethel Music Publishing (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
You unravel me, with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance, from my enemies
Till all my fears are gone
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
From my Mothers womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I’ve been born again, into your family
Your blood flows through my veins
You split the sea, so I could walk right through it
All my fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me, so I could stand and sing
I am a child of God