Im that mom 

You know i see other moms so proud and rejoicing all over their kids accomplishments while im here in tears every day why? You may ask well Im that mom the mom of the problem child , the mom that medicate her kid so his teachers can tolerate him , im the mom that never get good news or comments about her kid, im the mom that fights with her kid everyday and he always go to bed mad at me, im the mom that doesnt get to enjoy the normal things a moms enjoy because her child always do something that wont allowed me to enjoy, im the mom that everybody judge bc how me being an educator have a child that dont behave, im that mom that 99 % of my child life is been a punishment, im the mom that sometimes is tired and want to quit being a mom , im the mom that struggle to find a positive thing about her child day , im the mom that pray every night for her son to change , im the mom that awaits for a miracle and know one day maybe her son will understand, im the mom that cry uncontrollably when she realizes that because everyday is a battle her child dont hear lots of praise but instead lots of punishment and reprimand, im the mom that beg for a day of wonderful accomplishments of her son, Im the mom that blames her self for her child conditions, im the mom that try everyday to be that perfect mom I know well im not, im the mom that is tired of discipline and that nOthing ever works, im the mom that secretly wishes for the day one teacher hugs her and say I know how hard you try just know dont judge you, im that mom the tired one , the mom that is a mistake with legs, the one that gets tired and sick but never said anything bc she knows it does not matter the battle still goes on like any other day, im the mom that hates the diagnosis but knows the symptoms and the behaviors are there and at the end of the IM THE MOM THAT LOVES HER CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY AND HURT AT THE FACT HER BABY IS NOT DOING WELL but still lost with no support and holding to the faith that one day I will get to be a normal mom …

They took our baby away

Today we endure the loss of our furry baby. It was a hit and run and in a split of a second our lives are turn upside down. To the person that did this I wont lie and say I hope God bless you because that is not what my heart feels and I cant lie. You have no idea what you just did. This was much more than a dog it was my kids brother and my hubs and me baby. You took the joy of this family yes he was the only reason to smile in bad days the one little angel that will calm my husband anxiety thing that pills and doctors cant do. You took away my confident when I was alone , when i fight with hubs, when i  lost a child he was there comforting me with his little things. When we all came back home from work and school he will be so joyful of seein us and always receive us with a joy I can explain. No I cant say to you to be bless I want you to have a concience and be hunt by guilt the rest of your selfish life. Who will lay besides my kids when they are sick? Who will lick my tears away when I cry? Who will play with my husband night and day ? Who will fill this house with joy everyday? Do you have an idea what you cause? Imagine my autistic son saying ti me mom you had to check his heart bc sometimes when he lay down it looks like his dead, he had hopes hours after it happens and i had to tell him that was not the case that his little brother was dead. My baby girl fall asleep crying in the middle of the day and i coukd not find a way to fix their pain… Thats what you cause the most horrible pain to a family and no I wont lie im angry and if I could i beat you to untill i could not beat you anymore bc tiredness. I hope that your guilt is eating you and that you cant sleep at night. 

To my fur baby i hope your in heaven having fun making the angels laugh and being the awesome dog you always was go take care of the baby I lost and beside him wait for me mommy will be there with you both one day 

I LOVE YOU PEPE ARANDIA 

Random thinking  

So i work out to learn how to be healthy. Every morning mon-fri I wake up at 5 am to do exercise and weekends honestly i do them but not quite as often because i want to play with my kiddos and go here and there. This weeken I didnt do my clean eating i went to the beach and sat down with my baby girl and ate a hole bag of sour cream lays 😱😱😱 then went to a mexican reataurant and ate fajitas 😬 ,sunday it was again another fun filled day smores and home made burgers gallore but the kids had a blast and so did I.  Yesterday Monday was suposed to be a normal monday yet a weird case of vertigo hold me at the couch and bed all day bummer … Today still had vertigo and that is a big no no so exercise was skip , I tried to do in the afternoon but life got in the middle of me and the workout it is 9 pm and im here like omg i will get huge if dont work out!!! I feel fat and horrible yet i dont regret enjoying ny kids I wish there was a way to follow more closely my clean eating and yet be part of my family activities. I fell like an outsider at times because while they all celebrate with an icecream i have a bottle of water and while they eat pizza i eat veggies. Somedays i beg my husband (who needs to loose weight) to join me in this healthy style if eating but he refuses to his words are ” life is to short and im enjoying it” or ” i like my fat i wont stop eating” and dont get me wrong I love him but he is not healthy he just turn 30 not even a month ago and he already has blood pressure issues. I feel so apart from them at times it hurts is like i dont belong and i have already lots of not belonging after all I am a latina on an english speaking country that has been rejected plenty times because i dont belong to this country. Feeling like an outsider in my own family hurt but loving me is more important and i wont stop taking care of me because if dont take care of me nobody will. One day just one day i know God will give me the pleasure of belinging to my fam once again this time all in a healthy life style 🙂   

The etopic ( a poem that fits me well)

THE ETOPICby Meaghan Simpson

 

“Your uterus is empty” they say

as they perform the scan

But it’s my heart that empties

as I hold your father’s hand

 

“We’ll give you an injection

and the ectopic will resolve”

“The ectopic” is what they call you

my baby, who I dearly long to hold

And “resolve” has not the meaning

which it might to you and I

Instead it’s a polite way

to tell me you will die

 

“Not viable” I hear them say

which means that you won’t live

I’ll never get to take you home or share

the love I have to give

 

“They had an ectopic” is the way

what’s happened is described,

which hardly seems to recognize

we had a baby who has died

 

I wish that they would use the words,

the ones that make it real

Then maybe they would understand

the sorrow that I feel