They took our baby away

Today we endure the loss of our furry baby. It was a hit and run and in a split of a second our lives are turn upside down. To the person that did this I wont lie and say I hope God bless you because that is not what my heart feels and I cant lie. You have no idea what you just did. This was much more than a dog it was my kids brother and my hubs and me baby. You took the joy of this family yes he was the only reason to smile in bad days the one little angel that will calm my husband anxiety thing that pills and doctors cant do. You took away my confident when I was alone , when i fight with hubs, when i  lost a child he was there comforting me with his little things. When we all came back home from work and school he will be so joyful of seein us and always receive us with a joy I can explain. No I cant say to you to be bless I want you to have a concience and be hunt by guilt the rest of your selfish life. Who will lay besides my kids when they are sick? Who will lick my tears away when I cry? Who will play with my husband night and day ? Who will fill this house with joy everyday? Do you have an idea what you cause? Imagine my autistic son saying ti me mom you had to check his heart bc sometimes when he lay down it looks like his dead, he had hopes hours after it happens and i had to tell him that was not the case that his little brother was dead. My baby girl fall asleep crying in the middle of the day and i coukd not find a way to fix their pain… Thats what you cause the most horrible pain to a family and no I wont lie im angry and if I could i beat you to untill i could not beat you anymore bc tiredness. I hope that your guilt is eating you and that you cant sleep at night. 

To my fur baby i hope your in heaven having fun making the angels laugh and being the awesome dog you always was go take care of the baby I lost and beside him wait for me mommy will be there with you both one day 

I LOVE YOU PEPE ARANDIA 

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The worst mom award for me….

Having kids with special needs can be overwhelming and more. I have been feeling horrible lately. Dealing with my internal self accepting that I will never be an honor roll mom or I will never see my children get selected for amazing awards at school. I was always 4.0 gpa at school and not being able to see this in any of my kids is hard. As a teacher is very but very hurtful seeing how brigth and great my 4 yr class is and that my my own children at the age of 9 are not even close to that. I dont know why i feel this way maybe i need more counseling that them. Every time i talk to a friend the first thing they say is some sort of techniques  or advise to handle my ASD son and my I don’t understand anything daughter (yes bc she has no diagnosed yet but don’t understand anything including normal daily routines like going potty) I always listen and try but now I am at the point where I want to scream to everybody DONT YOU THINK I HAVE TRY THAT ALREADY???  I have done all the doctors , the teachers, the psychology has tell me to do even the people I randomly talk too advices I have try. But nothing work NOTHING and I am no longer efficient as a mom I fail and the sad thing is the twins are a reflection of my failure. How can I teach and work with all my students and get the best out of all them yet my own kids I cant. 

Support? Ha thats a joke all I get is judgement from everywhere. Their dad is blah not support at all if it was for him I be in the looney house. That men wont listen to anything and his words are always “THE DOCTORS ARE INVENTING A NAME OR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING NOWDAYS” basically implying their not specialneeds their   just brats. I feel like im done I pray every night and every night I cry. I need a turn in this whole situation I cant honestly say I am not happy. I look at them everyday and I want to be that mom yet im so fed up and frustrated maybe more like overwhelmed and stress out. Is a feeling of drowning in a deep hole where everyone pass by and see me there and push me more and more to the deep end. I hope my children dont see that and they know I love them because I do with all my heart and I wish i could make their life easier but I can’t unfortunately my genes apparently are defective and well they are paying the price. Is hard to feel this way is hard not to feel like I fail all i can see is that the worst mom award goes to me ….IMG_7217

Between me & my self

Have you ever find hard to explain some feelings? Why? 

In my case plenty times I have. Why? Well to start most people will play the my horse is bigger than yours and will just turn it all about them. Others will simply be cold and try to make you feel bad for feeling that way, and then theres that group the ones that you love but that wont understand NEVER!!!!

I been strugling for months whith deep feelings of lost in my heart, yet I cant explain it to many. Only two persons know and I even try to mention it a lot about it to them. I just need to let it out, scream, cry, shout, just like a two yr old. But to who? It cant be anybody that cares for me because then the advice will be bias. It cant be a therapist because I cant afford it. I pray oh yes I pray and most times Im ok until… Is there I cant hide it comes back to haunt me. 

Im scared. Lately I been way to angry, way to aggressive, way to unhappy. I know is all this feelings I keep to my self to avoid judgments, pitty or even offend people. But how to fix this? I make clear who I am , my likes and dislikes, yet people keep making fun of me for my believes, or worst they think im dumb or too weak. Is sad that I cant shared my feelings because I will be in more pain if I do so. I wish one day somebody just listen and instead of using that against me this person will just comprehend. 

Im about to explode. I wonder how bad that will be. When I cant hold this anymore. How much more I will loose or not loose. Will they realize how much they hurt me? Maybe not. Pretty sure they will say omg your so dramatic.

My savior. God has my hand and he held me each time I am about to fall in the deep hole ofdepression. I have to be thankful to him because he never ever leave me. Without him I be lost but with him I know im not alone and my battle will end soon. 

Final thought :  THANK YOU JESUS!!