Im that mom 

You know i see other moms so proud and rejoicing all over their kids accomplishments while im here in tears every day why? You may ask well Im that mom the mom of the problem child , the mom that medicate her kid so his teachers can tolerate him , im the mom that never get good news or comments about her kid, im the mom that fights with her kid everyday and he always go to bed mad at me, im the mom that doesnt get to enjoy the normal things a moms enjoy because her child always do something that wont allowed me to enjoy, im the mom that everybody judge bc how me being an educator have a child that dont behave, im that mom that 99 % of my child life is been a punishment, im the mom that sometimes is tired and want to quit being a mom , im the mom that struggle to find a positive thing about her child day , im the mom that pray every night for her son to change , im the mom that awaits for a miracle and know one day maybe her son will understand, im the mom that cry uncontrollably when she realizes that because everyday is a battle her child dont hear lots of praise but instead lots of punishment and reprimand, im the mom that beg for a day of wonderful accomplishments of her son, Im the mom that blames her self for her child conditions, im the mom that try everyday to be that perfect mom I know well im not, im the mom that is tired of discipline and that nOthing ever works, im the mom that secretly wishes for the day one teacher hugs her and say I know how hard you try just know dont judge you, im that mom the tired one , the mom that is a mistake with legs, the one that gets tired and sick but never said anything bc she knows it does not matter the battle still goes on like any other day, im the mom that hates the diagnosis but knows the symptoms and the behaviors are there and at the end of the IM THE MOM THAT LOVES HER CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY AND HURT AT THE FACT HER BABY IS NOT DOING WELL but still lost with no support and holding to the faith that one day I will get to be a normal mom …

IM SO OVER IT !!!!!

being an adult sucks !!!!!! I have the strange talent to get others mad at me without me even know how… this month it was brought to my attention at work that the rumors are ” I’m the bitch of the building because i go above an beyond” also that ” I think my shit don’t stink because i refuse to get involve in gossip therefore I’m always in my room and don’t share much with nobody” and even had been called a snake that wants no good. this last one is just a mystery for me why? well i left Thursday and it was all good with this coworker then Friday this coworker was serious and not talking to me. obviously i did something overnight what? God only know but I’m here trying to be the big person and not pay attention to all yet it bothers me I wish it didn’t but it does and I think is not fair. why do i share this here because i need to let this go before it eats me alive. I’m getting so tired of hearing al this stuff then being the bigger person when they all need something from me and go to my room to ask for help (when instead i wanted to say well not bc my shit don’t stink and I’m the bitch) its exhausting being the bigger person but I turn my self  to God a year ago and he will want me to keep a smile and to be humble. I still need to be a little more aware of my actions maybe people take my loudness as rude or another way and thats the problem after all it has happen so many times before because of the language barrier but oh well i guess is me I should be used to it by now ….

Random thinking  

So i work out to learn how to be healthy. Every morning mon-fri I wake up at 5 am to do exercise and weekends honestly i do them but not quite as often because i want to play with my kiddos and go here and there. This weeken I didnt do my clean eating i went to the beach and sat down with my baby girl and ate a hole bag of sour cream lays 😱😱😱 then went to a mexican reataurant and ate fajitas 😬 ,sunday it was again another fun filled day smores and home made burgers gallore but the kids had a blast and so did I.  Yesterday Monday was suposed to be a normal monday yet a weird case of vertigo hold me at the couch and bed all day bummer … Today still had vertigo and that is a big no no so exercise was skip , I tried to do in the afternoon but life got in the middle of me and the workout it is 9 pm and im here like omg i will get huge if dont work out!!! I feel fat and horrible yet i dont regret enjoying ny kids I wish there was a way to follow more closely my clean eating and yet be part of my family activities. I fell like an outsider at times because while they all celebrate with an icecream i have a bottle of water and while they eat pizza i eat veggies. Somedays i beg my husband (who needs to loose weight) to join me in this healthy style if eating but he refuses to his words are ” life is to short and im enjoying it” or ” i like my fat i wont stop eating” and dont get me wrong I love him but he is not healthy he just turn 30 not even a month ago and he already has blood pressure issues. I feel so apart from them at times it hurts is like i dont belong and i have already lots of not belonging after all I am a latina on an english speaking country that has been rejected plenty times because i dont belong to this country. Feeling like an outsider in my own family hurt but loving me is more important and i wont stop taking care of me because if dont take care of me nobody will. One day just one day i know God will give me the pleasure of belinging to my fam once again this time all in a healthy life style 🙂   

The worst mom award for me….

Having kids with special needs can be overwhelming and more. I have been feeling horrible lately. Dealing with my internal self accepting that I will never be an honor roll mom or I will never see my children get selected for amazing awards at school. I was always 4.0 gpa at school and not being able to see this in any of my kids is hard. As a teacher is very but very hurtful seeing how brigth and great my 4 yr class is and that my my own children at the age of 9 are not even close to that. I dont know why i feel this way maybe i need more counseling that them. Every time i talk to a friend the first thing they say is some sort of techniques  or advise to handle my ASD son and my I don’t understand anything daughter (yes bc she has no diagnosed yet but don’t understand anything including normal daily routines like going potty) I always listen and try but now I am at the point where I want to scream to everybody DONT YOU THINK I HAVE TRY THAT ALREADY???  I have done all the doctors , the teachers, the psychology has tell me to do even the people I randomly talk too advices I have try. But nothing work NOTHING and I am no longer efficient as a mom I fail and the sad thing is the twins are a reflection of my failure. How can I teach and work with all my students and get the best out of all them yet my own kids I cant. 

Support? Ha thats a joke all I get is judgement from everywhere. Their dad is blah not support at all if it was for him I be in the looney house. That men wont listen to anything and his words are always “THE DOCTORS ARE INVENTING A NAME OR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING NOWDAYS” basically implying their not specialneeds their   just brats. I feel like im done I pray every night and every night I cry. I need a turn in this whole situation I cant honestly say I am not happy. I look at them everyday and I want to be that mom yet im so fed up and frustrated maybe more like overwhelmed and stress out. Is a feeling of drowning in a deep hole where everyone pass by and see me there and push me more and more to the deep end. I hope my children dont see that and they know I love them because I do with all my heart and I wish i could make their life easier but I can’t unfortunately my genes apparently are defective and well they are paying the price. Is hard to feel this way is hard not to feel like I fail all i can see is that the worst mom award goes to me ….IMG_7217

I am the worst friend ever …

Im a horrible friend …

This morning i was mad with a friend.how is she texting everybody but me to let them know she had her baby?? Why if i introduce her to our friend she is closer with her than with me? And then the news of her in critical condition in the hospital hit my Facebook wall 😦 I feel like I dont deserved to have her as a friend. I was very but very childish and life is showing me that I was the bad one because of ridiculoud Jelousy and my selfish prideness. All I want is a second chance to be the friend I know I can be. And now im reflecting in one major thing I need to work on my pride and stubbornness. 

Between me & my self

Have you ever find hard to explain some feelings? Why? 

In my case plenty times I have. Why? Well to start most people will play the my horse is bigger than yours and will just turn it all about them. Others will simply be cold and try to make you feel bad for feeling that way, and then theres that group the ones that you love but that wont understand NEVER!!!!

I been strugling for months whith deep feelings of lost in my heart, yet I cant explain it to many. Only two persons know and I even try to mention it a lot about it to them. I just need to let it out, scream, cry, shout, just like a two yr old. But to who? It cant be anybody that cares for me because then the advice will be bias. It cant be a therapist because I cant afford it. I pray oh yes I pray and most times Im ok until… Is there I cant hide it comes back to haunt me. 

Im scared. Lately I been way to angry, way to aggressive, way to unhappy. I know is all this feelings I keep to my self to avoid judgments, pitty or even offend people. But how to fix this? I make clear who I am , my likes and dislikes, yet people keep making fun of me for my believes, or worst they think im dumb or too weak. Is sad that I cant shared my feelings because I will be in more pain if I do so. I wish one day somebody just listen and instead of using that against me this person will just comprehend. 

Im about to explode. I wonder how bad that will be. When I cant hold this anymore. How much more I will loose or not loose. Will they realize how much they hurt me? Maybe not. Pretty sure they will say omg your so dramatic.

My savior. God has my hand and he held me each time I am about to fall in the deep hole ofdepression. I have to be thankful to him because he never ever leave me. Without him I be lost but with him I know im not alone and my battle will end soon. 

Final thought :  THANK YOU JESUS!!